People Watching at Balticon

So far I’ve spotted a man with a rat tail down to his butt, a teenaged boy wearing a corset*, and an unidentified stranger who smells of urine...and I haven’t even made it through registration yet.

Attending a Science Fiction/Fantasy convention can be a little daunting, especially for the uninitiated. Not everyone can do it. More accurately, not everyone *wants* to do it. It takes endurance, curiosity, and a mind wide open.

Until last weekend I’d only attended two conventions: The Science Fiction Fantasy Writers of America (SFWA) and Capclave. They were both small professional gatherings of writers hoping to get published.

Balticon is a different beast.

The mermaid on my badge is clearly upset by being chopped into sushi.

Every memorial day weekend in Baltimore costumed fans swarm the Hunt Valley Inn in a bonanza of steampunk hats, fantasy swords, and Star Wars tattoos. While it’s still considered small compared to ComicCon or WorldCon, it was big and boisterous to me. The closest thing I can compare it to is a Renaissance Festival.

Most of the participants were middle aged white guys with beards wearing T-shirts with obscure cultural references. But the steampunk dresses! The adorable little girls with swashbuckling capes and Dread Pirate Roberts masks! The Hogwarts robes! The variety and depth of interests is staggering. You expect people to wear a leather doublet or cat ears to a con, but some of these costumes astounded me. The best part was that it was all totally ok.

There are so few safe spaces where a person can be truly weird. Balticon was one of those spaces and I sensed it almost immediately. My shoulder blades relaxed, I laughed louder at Doctor Who jokes, I made eye contact with total strangers as if to say “We’re all a little crazy here.”

And I bought adorable art for the nursery.Alan F. Beck is the artist

The real test of the crowd’s tolerance wasn’t the man who started snoring in the middle of a panel discussion, or the cross-dressing little mermaid, it was the elderly man who introduced me to kigurumi.

Example of a "doller" a subset of Kigurimu

He came dressed as Chloe the Bratz doll. He wore a fiberglass mask about three times the size of his head. It was built around a bicycle helmet and heavily padded--it was a wonder he could breathe in there. Flesh colored cloth covered his arms and legs, a pink camisole and khaki pants completed the look. He flipped the mask up for some air, revealing his face...and no one said a word.

I asked him about his giant mask. It was specially made in Indonesia, there are only four like it in the world and the other owners don’t wear them outside of the house. This man is a furry and he and his friends get together on weekends for photo shoots. Sometimes he goes around his yard leaf blowing while wearing the Bratz doll outfit.

Just like this, but worn by a man with a disproportionately large head.

As I asked him about his life and his costuming, the rest of the room stilled and listened, probably wondering the same thing. I want to emphasize that they didn’t snicker, or ask condescending questions, or stare rudely; they just listened.

This guy has a rare hobby shared by few in America. It’s frankly, openly, and indefensibly weird...and it was also ok.

I’m prouder than I can say to belong to the community that loves this man. It is an honor to be part of a society built on exploring our bizarre passions rather than looking down our noses at people who happen to love something different.

Thanks fellow geeks. Tune in next week for an account of the actual writing-related news at Balticon: Brandon Sanderson, Charles E. Gannon, Myke Cole, Dark Quest Books, and absolutely ZERO cockroach erotica.

*The corset was actually working for him. Totally pulled it off.

Disney and Political Science Part II

This is part two of my review of Disney ruling couples. I recommend that you check out last week’s post before reading further.

6-Cinderella/Charming

        Prince Charming (not the suspicious Prince Charming that courted Snow White) was raised to be king. That and his ability to make snap decisions like “I’m gonna marry this girl ASAP” means that he’ll do alright. He’s bland, but this isn’t a personality contest.

                                                                                       

Cinderella’s a genuinely kind person—she put up with her family all those years—I can see her as a sort of Princess Diana that can make up for Charming’s blandness. Everyone loves this girl, woodland creatures help her prepare for state functions, she’ll make the royal family look good. Still, she lacks the background and ambition to really shine.

5-Tiana/Naveen

Maldonia. We don’t know much about this made-up African kingdom except that the royal family seems surprisingly European. The Disney wiki implies that they speak Italian, and brief pictures of Maldonian architecture look almost British. However, there’s no hint of colonization from a Western power. I guess the writers didn’t think that these details were plot relevant. Weird, right?

Prince Naveen has come a long way since the beginning of the first movie, but he’s still the carefree type. Luckily for him Tiana’s entire character is built around being a hard worker. They balance out nicely. In addition, their years as owners of a successful restaurant will teach them to work together and solve problems with smaller stakes. By the time they take the throne they’ll be ready for bigger challenges.

Tiana’s experience as a black woman in the 1920’s South is another big plus. After growing up with a clear line between the haves and have-nots she’ll be sensitive to injustice. Her perceptiveness will lead to a fair and lawful government. She’s an American girl; she just might institute a democratic republic instead of a monarchy. She could be Maldonia’s last and greatest queen.

4-Elsa/Anna

Arendale practically runs itself. No, it actually runs itself. As far as we can tell there’s zero leadership coming from the castle between the time that the parents die to the coronation day. So let’s assume that the queen and the princess are mostly figureheads with power to issue the occasional decree (like cancelling all trade with Weselton.)

So they don’t have to deal with the day to day business of running a kingdom, that makes it easier to succeed. It seems like they mostly need to keep good foreign relations and stay popular with their subjects. Between Elsa’s serious mind and Anna’s instant likeability, the two girls will succeed--even Anna does marry a valiant, pungent, reindeer king.  

They also have an ace card, hopefully they never have to play it, but Elsa can always freeze the harbor again to keep attacking ships away. She can also freeze other harbors if you get my meaning. That’s an awfully nice port town you’ve got there, it would be a real shame if something were to happen to it. Elsa wins trade negotiations every time.

3-Jasmine/Aladdin

Jasmine might be one of the original rebellious princess types, but now that she’s grown up a little, seen the world, and inherited actual responsibilities as queen she’s going to be scary-good at her job. She was gutsy enough to escape the palace, but she goes all regal and saves Aladdin's life at the cost of her own freedom. Later on she fake-seduces Jaffar and tries to destroy him herself. Look, she’s just cool ok? I mean, she has a pet tiger for crying out loud.

Aladdin suffers from the same rouge-turned-king problem that Flynn Ryder has. They should hang out on weekends. Much like Flynn, Aladdin has greatness in him and can pull it together well enough to make responsible decisions.

2- Merida

Two words: Queen Elinor. That lady has class. She was willing to sacrifice what her daughter wanted for the good of the kingdom. That makes her sound like a jerk, but realistically an angry teenager is better than war. Still, she had the flexibility to defend her daughter’s wishes when she saw that she could do so while maintaining the peace.

Merida initially rebelled against Elinor’s example, but by the end of the film the girl already had the presence to quiet a room just by walking into it. She’s shown remarkable statesmanship for a girl her age and she’s gonna knock ‘em dead when it’s her turn to make the big decisions.

Let’s not overlook King Fergus’s legacy. He gave Merida some serious skills with a bow. Hanging around him long enough will prepare Merida to be a war-queen (it’s Scotland, there’s always a war.) Plus, every conflict looks easy after you’ve faced down a giant demon bear.

This picture is spinny because their kingdom is the best.

1-Belle/Beast

If I had to be an ordinary villager in any Disney kingdom, I’d choose to live near Beast’s castle. Think about it, it’s a small area with a local castle. If you need to air grievances it’s less than a day’s journey to the seat of power. The rulers have a huge emphasis on literacy so you know they’ll be opening up universities and public libraries.

Speaking of libraries, the castle library is bound to have just stacks of books on law, leadership, taxation, and general advice on how to keep a country up and running. This kingdom is a renaissance waiting to happen. They already have an eccentric inventor experimenting with steam power--Oh my goodness Beauty and the Beast magical steampunk kingdom!

Ehem. Back on track now. Belle and Beast will get married, have hairy babies, and launch a golden age in France. It’s a guaranteed success, and that’s why they snagged the number one spot on the list of best disney rulers.

Disney and Political Science Part I

For your perusal and education I give you the Disney Queens listed from worst to best rulers...because happily ever after begins with healthy trade relations and consistent rule of law.

12-Snow White/Charming

She grew up in the palace so maybe she picked up a few useful snippets of court etiquette, but her life as a servant isn’t likely to help her guide her kingdom through the rocky transition to a new ruler after the evil queen mysteriously dies. Prince Charming is also a liability. What do we really know about this guy anyways? Why was a prince from a foreign kingdom sneaking around the castle? It seems pretty suspicious to me. Snow White herself is pretty vacant and she gets her advice from woodland animals.

Between Snow White’s dubious leadership skills and Charming’s possible status as a spy, I give these guys two months on the throne tops.

11-Pocahontas/John Smith

Let’s address something first:

1. Pocahontas + John Smith ≠ a thing. The story of her saving him was either some kind of adoption ritual or Smith made it up entirely. Pocahontas eventually married a tobacco farmer who took her back to England to show her off and get funding for more expeditions. I know you guys know this, I just have to get it out of the way.

2. Chieftainship in the Powhatan tribe was matrilineal. It means that if you’re the chief then your sister’s son is next in line and so on. Pocahontas (and any brothers she may have had) were never contenders for tribe leadership.

But let’s say what if. Let’s say that somehow Pocahontas and John Smith get married and lead the tribe. This could be cool, it could usher in a new age of understanding between settlers and natives. They could work together and form a better civilization with the technology of the old world and the local knowledge of the new world...I’m just kidding. You know it’s all going to end with disease and gunpowder.

So it’s not really their fault, but the Pocahontas/John Smith Kingdom is simply impossible to keep together. They’re not going to make it.

10-Aurora/Phillip  

Phillip’s ok: raised for the job, good personality, socially progressive. “Now, father, you're living in the past. This is the 14th century!” He’ll be fine.

It’s Aurora I’m worried about. She’s a nice kid but she was raised in the forest with no one but her three fairy godmothers. Let me put it another way: She had no contact with actual humans until she was about sixteen. Her parents will give her some guidance, but her father’s really more of a comic relief than responsible monarch. I don’t have high hopes for her education.

Aurora and Phillip will muddle through as long as there’s no major crisis…like the Black Death.

9-Ariel/Eric

Same deal with Ariel and Eric. He’s dashing, charismatic, and presumably knows his way around a ship—great skills for a future king of a coastal country. He’ll be great.

       

I was worried about Ariel because she’s overdramatic and she makes questionable decisions. Then I remembered that she’s sixteen, she’ll get over it. My husband pointed out that in the sequel she seemed like a decent parent and the country hadn’t fallen apart (this is not an endorsement of any Disney sequel ever.)

It’ll be a rough ride at first what with learning how to use forks and wear clothes, but Ariel grew up as a princess. She’ll eventually be an adequate queen with Eric’s help.

8-Mulan/Shang

So she’s not a princess. I get that. However her husband is a general. Let’s pretend that he gained the unswerving loyalty of his troops, staged a coup, and took over the empire. Badabing, badaboom, mandate of heaven, Mulan is now an empress.

This really could go either way. On the one hand she’s unconventional and has trouble following the gender norms of the time. She could absolutely fail, shame her family, and turn public opinion against her so much that she and Shang get executed.

Here’s where the fanfic comes in:        

Shang’s busy quelling internal dissent, Mulan tries to be the picture-perfect empress. When she can no longer turn a blind eye to the injustices of the court (in this case guys making gals do stuff that gals don’t want to do) Mulan does some vigilante justice Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon style. While creeping around at night she discovers a plot against her husband and investigates. Soon she’s caught and her unconventional behavior plays right into the bad guys’ evil scheme to undermine Shang.  The bad guys convince the court that Mulan is disgraceful and dangerous.  The bad guys order their minions to attack Mulan.

Mulan’s husband and buddies are ready to fight with her. Then one by one all the ladies of the court gather around her to protect her. The minions back down without a fight. Mulan gives an inspiring speech about how Women Should Be Allowed To Do Stuff They Want To Do.

       

The court is convinced; even the short, annoying minister from the first movie is on her side now.  However we have to end the movie with some action so the bad guy reveals a secret weapon, Mulan &co work together to disable the secret weapon and fight bad guys. This last scene should feature extra girl power because, hey, it’s Mulan we’re talking about.

At the end of the movie we see everyone working together. Men and women are happy because Women Are Now Allowed To Do Stuff They Want To Do. Mulan’s refusal to follow gender norms creates a historically inaccurate Chinese renaissance.

With such great results I want to give them the top score, however since this scenario is highly improbable Mulan and Shang land in the number eight spot.

7-Rapunzel/ Flynn

Rapunzel has the same problem that Aurora and Ariel had: no contact with human society during her formative years. Unlike those princesses she doesn’t have a prince with a lifetime of royal experience.  So why do I give Rapunzel the higher rank?

Problem solving ability. She knocks Flynn out, showing that life in a tower hasn’t made her totally naïve. She successfully holds him hostage and convinces him to help her accomplish her lifetime goal of seeing the lights.  Her lack of familiarity with the world occasionally gets her into tricky situations, but her resourcefulness always gets her out of them. Stunningly, she also has the clarity to trust herself rather than her mother/witch. The ability to know when to take advice and when to ignore criticism is a life skill that most of us in reality lack. This Disney Princess is going to be just fine.

Flynn is a problem. He’s dead charming but he’s used to pleasing himself, defying authority, and constantly moving around. If he were to be King he’d only be doing it for Rapunzel and for the opportunity to have a castle. That might not be enough motivation to keep him there.

That being said, this couple is adaptable and they’ve already shown the ability to grow together. “You were my next dream.” Remember that bit? They set goals, accomplish them together, then they make new goals like champions.  They might not be the most politically savvy but they’re going to have one heck of a relationship.  They’ll stumble, but I think they can handle anything.

Tune in next week for part two wherein I reveal the top six best Disney rulers.

Comments? Concerns? A desire to turn my Mulan fanfic into a movie? Drop me a line.

Terrible Things I'm Willing to Do in Order to be in Bed Right this Second

I don’t stay up late. Even in college I went to bed around 11 PM most nights. The summer that I met my husband I stayed up until 2 AM pretty often. Then we got married and he gave me mono and I’ve never stayed up that late since. I get eight hours of sleep; now that I’m pregnant I get nine or more. I make time for it, I turn down invitations for it, I will fight you for it.

Sometimes circumstance outside my control dictate that I can only have six or seven hours of sleep. This is unacceptable. As it grows later and later my desperation to get into bed grows fiercer. So with that in mind I’ve created the Terrible Things I'm Willing to Do in Order to be in Bed Right This Second chart. Note that doing these terrible things generally won’t get me into bed any faster, this is only to measure my desperation.

I should’ve put in an extra data point for ‘sell state secrets,’ but I couldn’t figure out whether to put that before or after the cage fight.

Sweet dreams friends.

Impostor Syndrome

I’m pregnant. I’ve made it all the way to my second trimester and I have the ultrasound to prove it. Yet I have this nagging sensation that I’m making the whole thing up for attention. Allow me to explain.

Remember when you were a kid and you had to act incredibly sick just to get to stay home from school? It wasn’t enough to simply be sick. You had to put a real show on for your parents so they’d feel sorry for you. For me that meant groaning, forcing an entire glass of pee-colored powdered gatorade down my throat, and lying around the house pathetically until Mom realized that I really wasn’t going to put on pants this morning.

This is a hateful substance.

Fast forward fifteen years and I still put on a show even when no one is watching. If catch myself acting healthy on a sick say then I immediately sit down and cough a bit. Let me repeat that no one is watching; I do this when I’m completely alone in the house. This playacting is entirely for my own benefit. I have two selves: the ten year year old trying to get a lazy day and the suspicious mother searching for signs of faking it.

So imagine how I felt during the first trimester of my pregnancy. I was constantly ill. I’d get back from work and collapse on the couch from sheer exhaustion. The tricky thing about exhaustion is that as soon as my kind husband would volunteer to make dinner I’d feel immediately better. Suspicious? I think so.

Then there’s the fact that sometimes I manage to get off of the recliner all by myself and sometimes I sit listlessly waiting for help because I’m to lazy to even open my mouth and ask for a hand. Sometimes I cook dinner. Sometimes I walk into the kitchen and immediately sit down on the floor because I’m dizzy. When I’m out with friends I can stay awake and coherent until 10 PM. When I’m at home I lose my logic and self-control sometime around 8:30.

I just want to be consistent. If someone pointed a gun at me and said “go pick up your library books” I could certainly manage it. So really the problem isn’t one of ability so much as motivation. Maybe that should be my new motto “Live every day as if someone will shoot you unless you fulfill your responsibilities.” It’s a little wordy, and not terribly inspirational, but it’s perfect for fakers like me.

Wipe the Teardrops Off Your Stupid Guitar

I have nothing against Taylor Swift, I want that clear from the outset. I’m not a country music person myself, but I respect the genre. My grudge is against Teardrops on my Guitar. It’s storytime now.

It was the summer of my sophomore year. Since I was the first girl to arrive at the apartment I had my pick of empty bedrooms. I’d just finished unpacked my three boxes and two trash bags full of stuff when another girl arrived. Her name was something like Br/i/ee/-ann/ona/ony. She brought twelve boxes.

I stopped to chat and since she seemed normal enough I invited her to share the room with me. We didn’t seem to have much in common but  I’ll always take the adequate option over the blind risk. I left for several and returned to an apartment with five total strangers all setting into their new space.

I don’t remember much about the other girls, what I do remember was the state of my bedroom when I returned. Bri’s side of the room overflowed with cutesy decorations, inspirational quotes, and more cardigans than a single closet could hold. This girl was barely eighteen and already she carried the complete trappings of a soccer mom.*

I think this is what she was going for, only cluttered.

My decorating philosophy at the time was aggressively spartan, but I told myself that it was her side of the room and she was entitled to do whatever she liked with it.  Then I saw the shrine.

“Do you like them?” She asked. “I saved all the flowers Brent** ever gave me.”

The brittle flowers hung upside down along the top of her wall like a banner of white, pink, lilac, and yellow.  Clustered over her desk hung a bouquet of desiccated red blooms and a broad picture display of a young man with square jaw.

Imagine more flowers. Also, Brent looks nothing like the charismatic Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan.

“That’s a lot of flowers,” I kept my voice neutral.

She quickly explained, “Of course, Brent and I aren’t dating anymore, I tested out of high school a year early and we both agreed that it was best to make a clean break.”

“Mmm,” I nodded my head noncommittally.

I’d never seen Fatal Attraction, but I knew that displaying pictures of an ex was the first  step on a slippery slope of obsession, stalking, and ultimately murder. I was already preparing my statement for the police. “Yes officer, I knew her. No, we weren’t close. Well yes, she was a little odd, but I never suspected her of anything like this.”

Bri interrupted my mental interrogation scene with, “Hey, do you like Taylor Swift?”

I shrugged, Bri must’ve taken as encouragement because she turned the volume up on her speakers and more of the country-pop streamed into the room.  Forever I will associate Taylor Swift with dead roses.

It was like that every day. Taylor Swift, Brent, and precious little else to talk about. The creep factor went down when I realized that Bri and Brent weren’t really broken up. She still went with him to his Senior prom. They still made out on the couch. They still texted at 1 AM.

(ring)

Me:Ugggh

Bri: It’s ok Laura, go to sleep.

(she texts Brent back. Seconds later her phone rings again.)

Bri: I can’t believe he’s still texting me, it’s not like we’re a couple anymore.

Me: Turn it on vibrate.

Bri: Shhh, Laura, don’t wake up.

(The cycle of ringing and texting continues for another half hour before she takes her conversation out of the bedroom)

My favorite bit was the part where she’d complain to me the next morning about Brent’s behavior. Some days she would rage about the way he just couldn’t get over their “break up.” Other days she got teary because he hadn’t contacted her for days. Both events produced the same results: Bri lying on her bed listening to Taylor Swift sing Teardrops on My Guitar over and over. This lasted all summer.

Lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling never looks this good in real life.

During her marathon break up I too dumped my boyfriend. For the last year and a half of our two year relationship I’d toyed with the idea of ending things. Every time I discussed a separation he got queasy and occasionally threw up. So I stayed with him because it was comfortable, because he was a nice guy, and because I couldn’t stand the sight of him crying and vomiting. But things had reached a breaking point, soon he would go on a two year religious mission and if I didn’t dump him now I’d be stuck writing him letters that whole time.

So when he dropped me off after a romantic dinner of $1 microwave pizzas I decided that it was time.  I stood inside the door, he stood outside. He leaned forward for a goodnight kiss and I stepped back.

You think you're getting a good deal. Instead you get indigestion.

“I’m breaking up with you. I don’t want to talk about it. Please don’t contact me for a month.” I said it all in one breath and closed the door.

This sounds cold, and it was. My only excuse is that he and I had already been over all the reasons why I thought we should end it and why he thought we should stay together. There was nothing left to say. Mostly I wanted to close that door before the gastrointestinal upheaval began.

I took the next day off from work because I thought I might get upset or emotional. Around 10AM I discovered that I was really fine so I read a book. I missed having someone to kiss, but I was excited at all the new possibilities suddenly available. I called him that evening to make sure that he was ok and I made an effort not to talk about him afterwards. In other words I wiped the teardrops off my stupid guitar and moved on with my dang life.