Keeping Score and Falling Behind

I like to keep score and I like to win. None of this “we’re all winners,” or “I’ll just give you that point,” or “hey, go easy on the kid he’s only six years old,” nonsense. I like to win.

This used to be true of relationships. I kept a mental scoreboard of nice things I’d done for people. When I was ahead on friend points I felt secure, when I fell behind I got anxious. I got into relationships with guys just because they really really liked me and that meant that I wouldn’t have to exhaust myself making them happy. (For a complete list of reasons why I spent years dating guys I didn’t like see appendix A.) When friends celebrated my birthday I’d always think “how the heck am I supposed to top this for their birthday?”

But of course I outgrew this neurotic unhealthy relationship style because I’m a mature and well-adjusted adult. When my friends volunteered to throw me a baby shower I barely even considered faking my own death.

Like I said, I was pretty much over this. Until I turned into the pathetic sad sack that is Pregnancy Laura. My new desire to sit listlessly on the couch staring at my own hands for hours severely limits my ability to keep up. I lack the ability to earn “friend points” and I’m constantly cashing them in. I burn through points when I skip social events, doze off during conversations, talk about myself too much etc. Mostly I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, my friends understand. And there’s the sneaky voice in my head that whispers “you’ll catch up on points later.”

Then there’s my husband Shane. I rely on him entirely. If it weren’t for him I’d be eating microwave dinners every evening. Dishes would never get done. I’d stay up late at night just sitting around thinking about how sleepy I am. He is constantly taking care of me and it makes me feel sick and worried like a shopping addict with major credit card debt.

I got home from work one evening and he’d already made dinner. He told me to take a nap and then he made cookies for my book group because he knew that otherwise I would run around the kitchen in a pointless exhausting frenzy. I tried to think of how I could possibly repay him and I came up with absolutely nothing.

It was liberating. 

I couldn’t do anything but say thank you and he knew it. Giving a backrub, running an errand for him, watching a movie he picked--none of that was going to happen in the near future. He did me a favor knowing that I couldn’t repay him. He didn’t expect repayment. He just wanted me happy.

I remembered why keeping score is selfish. Instead of giving genuine kindness I tried to settle an imaginary score. I projected my insecurities onto others and underestimated their motivations. People in my life are amazing and I can rely on them to stay amazing even when I’m tired or grumpy or antisocial.

I don’t have to score points. I won when I found a husband and friends who just want me to be happy.