Children Already Know that Dragons Exist

Remember when you were a kid and an adult would say something like “children are innocent and pure” and you’d think “umm, yeah lady, you just keep thinking that.” Or do you remember when your teacher asked in outrage “Where did you even learn that word?” and you’d think “Gee, I dunno, maybe from every other kid at school.” When you overheard adults talking about violence or tragedy you weren’t shocked because nothing could be worse than the bloody fangs and ripping claws of the creatures in your closet.

Then you grew a little older and real life hard stuff happened all around you. Even if you lived in middle class suburbia you knew about that girl that disappeared from school because of what her weird uncle did to her, or that boy whose dad was shot, or that scrawny kid  with some disease you couldn’t pronounce died. Mostly this happened to strangers, sometimes it happened to friends, sometimes it happened to you.

And you couldn’t tell adults about it. These were the same people who didn’t believe you when you told them about the monsters under the bed. How could you possibly expect them to understand what it means to be wary of the seventh grade?

My point is that children have a secret world and it is easy to forget how scary it is. They’re often jaded about the things that we consider “too adult” for them. Probably because their lives are more adult than they let on.  When kids do bring problems to their parents the reaction is often something like: “Seriously, that kid threatened to push you off the bridge and you didn’t tell someone? What is wrong with you?” Explaining that the other kid was only 50% serious doesn’t really reassure grown ups, either that or they’re too reassured and they decide that you’re just being too sensitive. It’s hard to convey these subtleties to adults, you remember how it was.

When kids can’t go to adults they can always go to stories. Stories don’t judge you, or try to fix you, and the good ones don’t shove a “life lesson” down your throat. They’re simply road maps. Some are realistic maps that tell you that this is what happens when your friend gets pregnant and that is what happens when your mother dies. Other maps are hazier with information about undead horrors and alien invaders--but those maps are arguably even more useful since the conflicts can symbolize whatever you’re going through at the time: your first crush, the pressure to excel, weird stuff your body is doing, or just loneliness.

But sometimes adults want to protect children from stories, precisely because the road maps are too detailed. These adults say “the world is scary enough,” they fret about the nightmares their children will have, the sexual exploration this might inspire, or the violence they might reenact.

They’re not wrong.

If you let your kids read useful books then they’ll have nightmares. They will learn more about their bodies at a younger age than you’d like. They may want to act out the violent things they read. Sometimes the results will be extreme and terrible like in the recent Slender Man Stabbings. It’s much more likely that someone will just get a broken arm or you’ll have to have an uncomfortable conversation about anatomy.

And still I say let them read scary, sexual, sad, violent books. Knowledge is dangerous but the cost of ignorance is higher. Protecting them from difficult stories is like sending them on a road trip through adolescence without a map. Parental guidance, good friends, a moral code--they’re the brakes, the fuel, and the steering wheel, but none of them replace a map.

Obviously we don’t give Steven King novels to third graders but kids are generally good at pacing themselves. I’ve re-read books that I read as a child and thought Wow, how did I miss that bloody dismemberment? I don’t remember that at all. When I was sixteen I picked up a romance novel someone’s mom left in the bathroom. I got two pages in, glanced over the bit about oral sex, and put it down. Kids seek out information that’s relevant to their lives, when something doesn't fit they often just skip it or move on to a new book.

Step in when you have to and tell your kids to wait a few years. That’s good parenting. But please, don’t take the books out of the library. Don’t hide the maps because you don’t like the terrain. Think of everything we'd miss out on.

“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.”

G.K. Chesterton

Don't Mess With Earl

Locked inside of me is a giant, muscular man named Earl. He wears sunglasses, a leather jacket, and a face tattoo that says “Don’t Mess With Earl.” Earl wants to come out sometimes and punch convex faces into concave holes but I don’t let that happen because I like to pretend that I’m a nice person. Most days he’s quiet and he doesn’t cause any problems, but some days Earl gets angry and I have to remind him that I’m not actually a giant man with thick muscles. I am a pregnant woman with the muscle tone of a comatose kitten. I can’t shouldn’t do the things he wants me to do.

Before I explain about Earl, let me explain something about pregnancy. People like to come up with cutesy terms for pregnancy. Some people find the process just adorable. Preggers, prego, pregalicious etc. My prenatal yoga instructor will not say butt, she consistently tells me to sit on my “bun cakes.” When my doctor told me that I was having a boy she said “there’s the teenie weenie.” My husband had to interpret for me because I hadn’t heard the word “weenie” since middle school.

So when people told me about “pregnancy brain” I didn’t think that it was a real thing. I thought it was just a cutesy way of  saying that I’d be extra tired for nine months. I didn’t expect the following: lack of focus, forgetfulness, getting all teary-eyed at every death in my zombie audiobook, hate-crying on my husband when he wakes me up from a nap...the list goes on and on. But that’s ok because it’s socially acceptable for pregnant women to be sleepy, emotional, and slightly cranky. You can still play that off as adorable.

Earl isn’t adorable. He doesn’t do cutesy. And he really wants a nap.

When I’m tired or dealing with “pregnancy brain” or whatever this is then I’m too distracted to keep him in check. At moments like this it is dangerous for a stranger to suggest that perhaps my lawn chair is beyond the approved lawn chair zone in the amphitheater. When that stranger points to the “No Lawn Chairs Past This Point” sign he’s actually just pointing out the nearest blunt heavy object to beat him with. Earl appreciates his consideration.

Realistically the stranger was right and I was wrong. After a brief and entirely embarrassing confrontation I took down my lawn chair. But the adrenaline would not fade. I was angry for at least a half hour and then I felt like an idiot for the rest of the evening.

It’s times like this that I wish I was a little bit more like Earl. People carefully consider their options before bothering a guy who looks like that. I want a simple, easy way to signal to people “Don’t mess with me; I’m tired and I haven’t eaten in two hours.” Instead of yelling at strangers I could just glare menacingly and achieve the same result...Or I can simply wait until my gut starts to actually look like a baby bump. I’ve heard that works too. People think twice before messing with women who are hugely pregnant. Plus it’s less permanent than a face tattoo.

Writers! Go to Small Conventions

This post could also be titled: Brandon Sanderson, Charles E. Gannon, Myke Cole and Dark Quest Books.

An equally accurate title would be: Absolutely ZERO Cockroach Erotica.

I didn’t use the first title because maybe you’ve never heard of those names. I didn’t use the second title because no one wants to click on a link with the words “cockroach erotica” even if you guarantee that there’s none of that business going on.

Instead I choose to focus on what I got out of the small convention scene.

1. Treated like a Colleague Not a Fan

At major conventions writers and other creators of cool things are swamped with more fans than they can reasonably handle. Their job is to quickly smile, sign things, and  just survive. By all accounts it’s a fun but brutal experience for them and they can’t afford to stop and chat.

At a small indie convention like Balticon or Capclave the writers are more relaxed. They don’t have to process you like a customer service rep at an airport after a blizzard. Instead of a quick smile you get questions about your own work, and when you ask questions they listen with the assumption that you’ll be joining their ranks soon.

2. Sincere interactions with Authors and Publishers

I hate the word networking, everyone does. So yeah, I came with a prepared pitch about my work.  I didn’t have the opportunity to use my canned little speech, instead I had multiple natural interactions with authors, editors, and particularly Dark Quest Books.

They’re a small publisher, not the sort that’s going to get you into Barnes and Noble, but a legit start for speculative fiction writers. Everyone from the owner to the authors was polite and encouraging to me. On that note I want to plug my friend and fellow writing group member Day Al-Muhamed who recently coauthored and published a book through Dark Quest. I’ve only read snippets so far, but Day’s work is consistently excellent.

Baba Ali and the Clockwork Djinn. A Steampunk Faerie Tale.

3. Writing Advice

I listen to the Writing Excuses podcast, I have a savvy writing group that teaches me constantly, and I learned me real good how to grammar back in high school. Still, there’s a lot to be said for writing advice that comes face to face from actual writers.

I skipped the panels with Brandon Sanderson because they were packed and the one panel I attended with him was exactly like listening to the Writing Excuses podcast. So although he was an excellent speaker, I decided to spend some time with other authors at Balticon.

Love your podcast, love your Mistborn Series.

It’s the little tips like the one I got from erotica author Stephanie Burke. I’ve never read her work, but she has the fascinating concept of shape shifting as an alien STD. She mentioned that one of her characters shapeshifts into a cockroach and she detailed the amount of research that she had to do to write cockroach characteristics correctly. One of the other authors on the panel also has a binder of cockroach facts. Of course I’d heard before that I should research and compile information, but I don’t really have a good system for storing and retrieving my info. Listening to them discuss their fun facts about roaches really drove home the fact that EVERYTHING is research and EVERYTHING needs to be stored.

As a side note, Stephanie later assured me that none of her seventy something erotica books feature cockroach sex. Big relief. Faith in humanity restored.

Stephanie Burke. And this is her official picture from her press kit.

I also had the pleasure of sitting down with Myke Cole, author of the Military Fantasy series Shadow Ops. I never got around to asking him questions about urban fantasy and how he manages to make his magical deaths so interesting. I was too busy listening to him discuss the current state of military science fiction. Bottom line is that the military culture is changing and the fiction’s gotta change with it. Gone are the days when “soldier” meant “christian white guy aged twenty, likes guns and cars*.” It made me think about how I need to really develop some of my “tough guy” background characters.

Myke Cole, every time I say his name I use my "Action Movie Trailer" voice. It sounds better that way, try it.

4. Career Advice

In almost every panel I had the opportunity to ask questions and get long, thoughtful responses from authors and editors. Most of the information isn’t earth shattering, but it gives you a feel for what’s selling right now, who’s winning awards, and what editors are dying to read more of. There was all the usual discussion of whether or not authors should self publish, some bewailing of the fact that you need an agent nowadays, and the usual condemnation of vanity presses.

Charles E. Gannon was all around lovely. Not only was he one of the best speakers at Balticon, but when I sat down with him he seemed to be genuinely interested in helping aspiring authors break into the business. He advised me to use small publishers as a stepping stone to larger publishers rather than weeping when I get rejected by one of the Big Five*.

Charles E. Gannon who kindly stepped into the role of wise sage on the mountain.

He also spoke about career/life balance and writing amidst distractions. I asked him how he managed to write so much while raising children. He took a look at my pregnant belly and just laughed. It was the helpless, sympathetic laugh that said “you have no idea what you’re in for.”

Not exactly encouraging.

I’ll admit that I still haven’t read his books, but I put his novel Fire with Fire on my reading list, if only because he was just so dang helpful.

So writers, go to small conventions. It’s worth the bus ticket and the cost of admission. If nothing else you’ll want to be a familiar face when it’s time to start pitching your novel.

*Not the authors’ words, I’m just paraphrasing.